For those of you who don't know I was a freelance musician. I have played (french) horn with some of the biggest (and smallest) names throughout Ohio. My resume includes multiple genres of music. I technically have achieved rockstar status (I've recorded on a few CDs), but could also perform beethoven at the drop of a hat. I have played for theatre and dance events. I am a jazzer as well.
Or atleast I was...
Making music used to be a blast, but somehow it lost it's luster. Between the competition and pettiness of musicians that I have worked with over my college career, the music has officially died inside of me. Instead of an art, it has become a technical catty bastardazation of playing patterns letter perfect and kissing ass. In my musical endevors I have realized that I will never be perfect, I'm not a good ass kisser, so why should I even try? Practicing has become pointless. I should just stick with my teaching job and be satisfied with that.
When I was younger people used to kiss my ass about my talent. They used to say things along the lines of,
"You could play for an orchestra someday. You have what it takes."
That's the thing though, I don't have IT. I am not special. I do not have amazing capabilities. I am not the next best thing, nor will I ever be. This is extremely frusturating for me. I have spent all this time, all these years thinking I had what it takes, but I'm not even close. I was just randomly surfing the web and found a sound clip of a group I used to play with and it brought me to tears. It crossed my mind to practice, but I don't know if I can put all my emotions into it again. It's physically and emotionally draining, but I guess all is fair in love and war.
Side note:
Now my husband is a different story. He has "It." He has played throughout the world with some of the greatest orchestras ever. For example, do the names Tommy Dorsey, Glass Harp, or Glenn Miller (the list goes on) ring a bell? He plays (or has played on multiple occasion) with all of these groups. He is an amazing person, musician, and friend. He works his ass off and deserves all of the success he gets. I just wish I had an ounce of his talent!